The way I are

I don't like being alone ( not talking about single here, I don't like that either, but this post isn't about that, at least not directly, and yes, I plan to write like Salman Rushdie with a million commas and other pointless punctuations)but I don't hate it.

The million retarded voices in my head keep me sufficiently busy for anything from a weekly team meeting to an overnight train journey. The good/bad thing is I am not too worried about it ( at least not as yet, may be when I hit 30 I'll be a freakin' mental wreck), I am sure any half assed intelligent person does the same thing ( and if you aren't doing it, thats probably because you shat your brains out years ago).

So where is this post going, as usual I am not too sure. But this is what I wanted to write, this weekend on an train journey I had plenty of time to hold an all party conference for all the "freak mes" in my head, and I think we came to a conclusion/mutual understanding. I have spent way too much time fucking up, messing around and in general seriously underachieving, while most of the people I actually liked have moved to other countries, are getting married,and/or are in other various awesomely awesome positions.

So I decided the fucking up has to go, but here comes the trick part, I don't want to eff up on my way to achieving my life goals, but I don't have any clue to what my goals are, and thats scary.Real scary. I am 24 and still without any clue what I am going to be or what I 'really' want to be.

When I was a kid in school (as opposed to now where I am still just a kid, but in a cubicle), I wanted to be a scientist and to do "cool science shit". So it isn't really all that surprising that with such clear cut out life goals to begin with, I am in this mess. When I look at all the other people, people I work with, friend from college, and maybe even the ones I went to school with, I wonder do all these people have everything figured out, or are they as confused as I am. Or maybe they have just resigned to do doing what they are doing. Well one thing I am confident about, I am never going to give in to doing some boring crap for the rest of life, no matter how unstable it may make my life.Or maybe I will.